Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
