If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
