Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Randomize
