You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
