i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
