Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I smell stomach acid.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Randomize
