I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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