I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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