Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
PANTIES FOUND
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
