Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
