I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
