someone threw a dead crab at me
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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