I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
