If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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