Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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