Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
