My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Someone came in the potted fern
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
