Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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