By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
