I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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