Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
