I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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