You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
