I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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