I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Randomize
