guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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