how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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