He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
