So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
