Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Randomize
