I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
