listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Dignity is for republicans.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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