i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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