If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Randomize
