yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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