He passed out mid-signature
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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