We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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