Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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