if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
