6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
