Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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