i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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