This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
