My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
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