I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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