My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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