just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
