i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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