i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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