Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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